Beyond seasonal stress there is the blues. The bah-humbug feelings may arise from past disappointments, current problems, limited resources, lack of nearby family and friends or any number of other reasons. Anticipating the pain of the holidays is often worse than the season itself. Just like a dreaded trip to the dentist, we may find that neither the dentist nor the holidays are as bad as expected. Set up positive expectations for handling the holidays instead of negative ones. Whatever you think is most likely to happen IS most likely to happen. Make it positive.
At the same time, be realistic about the holidays. Do not expect magic, but do expect to survive. Do what you feel like or what helps. If an activity or event does not enhance your holidays, do not do it. Consider why you are doing each event and for whom. If the activity is done because everyone expects you to do it, perhaps you should
reconsider. Do not put up a tree if you do not feel like it. Be flexible and creative. One divorcing mom found that on the first Christmas Eve both she and her children were too tearful to attend their usual church service. Instead, they baked cookies till midnight.
If holiday traditions still work or bring comfort, do them. If not, do something different. For example if you typically send cards or a newsletter, take a year off or do them differently. One mother, whose teenage son had died during the previous year, wrote out-of-town friends in October rather than writing her usual holiday newsletter.
Vary the holiday routine. Travel or visit family and friends. Instead of Christmas at home, a family whose son/brother had died traveled to a place they had never been. Do holidays with others--family or friends. Join the many race/walks that abound during the holidays. The exercise will lighten your mood. It is time well-spent and you may make new friends.
Accept past holiday memories and make new ones. One single mother, bemoaning the usual tree-erecting scene, recalled that her ex-spouse had not helped much in the past. At least now that she did not expect his help and did not feel disappointed when it was not available. She and her children began putting up the tree on their time-table and their way.
Do not expect everyone to view the holidays as you do. If your children feel like decorating but you do not, allow them to do the decorating or do it differently this year. Develop new rituals that suit your changed life. Help out at a shelter instead of preparing the usual family feast. Volunteer at nursing homes. Adopt a needy family or cause. Helping others makes us feel worthwhile, passes time and
provides needed community assistance.
Simplify your holidays--take a break and reduce stress. Decrease everyday hassles, eliminate extra chores, do not accept new work or volunteer assignments unless you really want to. Shop, eat out and drive during less traveled hours. If you want to do cards and letters, get help. Putting fewer decorations out means taking fewer down. If you want to entertain, ask guests to help or bring food. Clean after the holidays, not before. You can hide a lot of dust with greenery and decorations. Assign everyone tasks. Except for very young children, everyone can help with the work of the holidays as well as the fun.
Sometimes, keeping really busy during the holidays, e.g., taking on extra work or volunteer assignments is the ticket. Simply having something to occupy your time may help. It is important, however, to set a time limit on such overdrive activities. Make sure you allow or make yourself shift back to a normal activity load once the holidays are
over.
Decrease expenses. If you are newly divorced, have lost a loved one or a job, this is a good time to scale back. Most of us overdo and friends and family understand the need and probably are happy to join in cutting down. Cull your gift and holiday card lists. Do joint meals, parties, car pool to events. Make gifts and or crafts to sell if they are fun and not a hassle. Draw names for gift exchanges. Limit the amount. Purchase gifts together with family or friends. Do not overcompensate with large gifts to children especially if they have lost a parent. Do
nurturing things with and for your family instead.
Keep to a daily routine though not necessarily your former holiday routine. Get healthy and maintain it as holiday stress can take its toll. Do not overindulge in food or alcohol. Eat healthy--raw fruit and vegetables instead of chip and dip. Get necessary rest. Stick with or start an exercise routine. It helps you look and feel better physically as well as emotionally. Mood often improves after exercise.
Rely on your beliefs and search for the meaning of the season to find support. Seek spiritual solace in past or new ways. Join a special holiday choir or pageant. If attending the usual religious services is sad for you, participate in different ones. Help with the hanging of
the green at church instead of at home. Take holiday baskets or flowers to the needy or shut-ins instead of moping by yourself. Turn your grief into help for someone else.
Get help. Learn all you can about your particular situation. Knowledge is power. It promotes understanding, provides potential solutions and reduces fear of the unknown. Help is everywhere. Check newspapers, libraries, churches, hospitals for assistance. Join a support group, seek counseling, attend seminars. Do not isolate yourself. Keep in touch with supportive family, friends, co-workers,
clergy. When folks offer assistance say, "Yes!" If they do not offer, ask. Many individuals want to help but do not know how. They cannot read your mind, so tell them what you need or want. Be clear and specific about what will help you cope with the holidays. Request permission to accept or decline an invitation late so you can determine what you need as you go along. People will understand. Let them know
if you need to be alone or with one or two special friends or a big group.
Take care of yourself. Relax, nurture yourself, treat yourself well. Enjoy little things--eggnog, cider, a fire, candles, twinkling lights, a holiday parade. Practice relaxation, breathing, meditation, visualization exercises. Enjoy a bubble bath, massage, pedicure or manicure. Give yourself a gift. Give and get hugs. Make some quiet time for yourself.
Focus on positive things to lighten your mood. Make a list of all the good things in your life. Say thank you daily. Put these on post it notes around the house, car, work area. Do the same with things you like about yourself. Write, say, record affirmations. "I am surviving the holidays...I am getting through the holidays...I make the most of the holidays." Surround yourself with positive, thinking, acting people. Their zest will rub off. Use humor to heal. Keep a joke book in your desk, car or at the bedside. See comedies at the movies instead of tragedies. Watch sitcoms or funny videos instead of violent or sad ones. Rescue a pet and focus on it.
Holiday survival does not mean you cannot or should not reflect on any loss or the reason for your blues. Ignoring your emotions does not make them go away so express your feelings their impact on your holidays. Start a journal. Write poetry, articles or music to help get your feelings out. Share with a trusted friend or advisor. Use exercise, singing loudly in the shower or playing a musical instrument as a way to get your feelings out. Getting in touch with nature often helps us get in touch with our feelings. Stroll through the park. Walk on the beach. Climb a mountain. Go fishing. Do gardening.
You can beat those bah-humbug blues. You have the power to make the most of each season. Knowledge gives you the power to acknowledge our feelings, express them appropriately, and take charge of the situation.
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